The Hardest Thing Ever Done

Nothing worth doing is easy

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Documenting the hardest thing I’ve ever done: 90 days of rebuilding discipline, cutting porn, killing urges, and reclaiming my mind. No filters. No excuses. Just the truth of the fight, day by day.

  • Your Willpower Ain’t Sh*t

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    If you genuinely believe you can will yourself out of something like porn addiction, then you’ve already lost that battle before it has even started.

    You didn’t will yourself into this addiction.
    So what makes you think you can will yourself out?

    Picture this:
    You’re at the beach, enjoying the water, paddling near the shore.
    You’re having so much fun that you haven’t noticed you’ve slowly begun to drift out to sea.
    All of a sudden, you find yourself in deep waters, a fair distance away from the coast.

    What do you do?
    Do you panic and begin to thrash around aimlessly, drifting further into open waters?
    Or do you turn around, head back towards the shore, and return to dry land?

    It’s not a trick question.
    The path that brought you in is the only sure path that can bring you out.

    Porn addiction is no different.
    Your mind is addicted, but it was your habits that led you into the addiction.
    So don’t try to “fix the mind.”
    Instead, fix the habits first, the environment, the triggers, the routines.

    You undo the drift.
    Stroke by stroke.
    Habit by habit.
    And then the mind will adjust.

    Every habit that led you to lust, you must do the polar opposite. No matter how big or small, especially the small ones.

    The small habits are the deadliest because you never suspect them.

    So reverse every habit that pulls you toward lust.

    If staying indoors fuels lust → get outside more.
    If being alone fuels lust → stay around people.
    If boredom fuels lust → schedule your day hour by hour. No empty slots. No idle minutes.
    If mindless snacking fuels lust → discipline your eating. Fixed mealtimes. No grazing.
    If your music, films, or social media drip-feed sexual cues → purge them. Replace everything and block everything else. Don’t negotiate with the thing that is trying to destroy you.
    The safe option is to follow only accounts aligned with your mission.
    The wise option is no social media at all, at least for the first 90 days.

    You need to employ strict, military-grade discipline.
    Because this is a battle that has to be taken seriously.
    Half-measures simply won’t cut it.
    Any tiny crack in your armour, and you’ll be destroyed.


    Any slight hesitation to snuff out a trigger, and you will be compromised before you even know it.
    You were slow to react, and now that trigger has already settled in your mind and is comforting you.
    It’s now so deeply saturated in your being that trying to root it out feels like trying to deny a core aspect of yourself.

    A wise man once said, “Deny yourself.”
    Only when you have been truly compromised do you begin to appreciate the wisdom in that simple teaching.


    Because when you are under the grip of addiction, you are the addiction.

    So be truly vigilant,
    and don’t trust your heart’s desire, trust only the process.
    Your heart, mind, and soul belong to the addiction now.
    If you fail to understand this simple truth, you are doomed before you even start.

    Trust the process.
    Begin to reverse your habits, and your mind will slowly begin to set itself free.
    It will begin to find reward in your new habits.

    Understand that your mind is very flexible; it doesn’t favour any habit over another.
    Whatever you train it to do, it becomes a master at.

    If you train it to indulge in lust, it will master the feeling of lust and desire it above all.
    It will begin to think of all sorts of clever and ingenious ways to ensure it always has access to it.
    It will find loopholes, tricks, excuses, and hidden paths to pleasure you didn’t even know existed.
    You cannot outsmart it.
    You cannot out-will it.

    If you think you can out-think your own mind, then I suggest you think again.

    This is why willpower is futile.

    But the same mind that mastered lust can be trained to master purity, discipline, clarity, and peace.
    If you train it to find joy in walks in the woods, it will master that too.
    It will begin to associate with the pleasures of vibrant colours, fresh breeze, and the sound of birds chirping.
    The only difference is that this kind of pleasure will not overload your dopamine like porn does.

    Understand that some habits will enrich you,
    and some habits will deplete you.

    Choose the habits that enrich you, and you will find yourself back at the safety of the shore.
    Choose the habits that deplete you, and you will be dragged so deep into open waters that you won’t even know which direction the shore is.

    The former is what I wish for you.

    Stay in the fight.

  • Day 12 – Adaptation?

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    As I’m writing this, I completed Day 12 just over four hours ago.
    It was another relaxed day, mostly because I spent the entire day outside.
    I’ve only just come in now, and I barely have the energy left to write this journal before collapsing into bed.

    The Weekend Test

    Like I mentioned yesterday, today was a weekend, and I attended a party.
    A party filled with beautiful women and alcohol.
    Under normal circumstances, this is not a safe environment for someone on this journey.
    But surprisingly, there wasn’t a single moment where I felt out of control or triggered in any meaningful way.

    I did prepare mentally beforehand.
    And I made sure to drink just enough to stay relatively sober.

    Twelve days into this journey is far too early to risk getting tipsy or drunk.
    Alcohol weakens the mind’s resistance, and while it might not cause me to slip in the moment, it could easily lead to dangerous thoughts later,


    especially when I’m alone in quiet hours.

    Signs of Adaptation

    So far, my system seems to be adapting well to this new lifestyle.

    My mind is beginning to associate the computer more with work and creation,

    rather than pornography and masturbation.
    If this continues, this will mark a major transformation,
    one of the biggest milestones of this entire journey.

    The rewiring is subtle, but it feels real.

    Tomorrow’s Challenge

    Tomorrow is another day where I’ll be home alone for several hours.
    Which means the same rule applies:

    • Minimum time at home.
    • All major activities outside.
    • Return only once the house is no longer empty.

    It’s a simple formula, but a highly effective one.

    Until then,
    I remain in the fight.

  • Day 11 – Calm Before The Storm?

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    I haven’t felt a strong, full-frontal attack from the enemy in about three days now.
    The urges still appear here and there, but they are noticeably weaker.
    A part of me wants to quietly celebrate, hoping that maybe I’ve crossed the hardest threshold…
    But another part of me refuses to celebrate too early.

    This enemy is sneaky.
    It plays possum.
    And just when you drop your guard, it strikes.

    Managing the Digital Battlefield

    The strongest urges still tend to rise when I’m on my computer.
    But even there, my mind has finally begun to accept the truth:

    There is nothing accessible on this device anymore.

    No loopholes. No shortcuts. No secret corners to explore.
    And because of that, the urges have started to quiet down too.

    Calm Before the Storm

    This feels like one of those moments of dangerous silence,
    the calm before the storm.
    So I’m staying vigilant.
    Ready.
    Mentally prepared for anything.

    The physical barriers I’ve built are still holding strong.
    And the daily tasks I’ve committed to are keeping my focus distributed, not stagnant.
    Boredom has always been one of the biggest triggers, so keeping myself occupied has been one of the best weapons in this war.

    Even writing this journal every day gives me a fixed task that must be completed,
    a structured anchor in the chaos.
    For now, I’ll allow myself a quiet celebration:
    three easy wins in a row – a small hat-trick.

    Tomorrow’s Test

    Tomorrow is the weekend.
    And I have a party to attend, an environment that could trigger a whole chain reaction if I’m not careful.

    But I see it coming.

    And pre-emptive measures are already in place to reduce any moments of weakness.

    We’ll see how it goes.

    Until then,
    I remain in the fight.

  • Day 10 – Pre-emptive Defence

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    One of the surest ways to win a battle you know is coming is by using a pre-emptive strike: attack the enemy before he even has a chance to gather himself.
    Another, equally powerful, is pre-emptive defence: if you know exactly where and when the enemy will strike, you position yourself in a way that neutralises the attack before it even begins.

    Today, I survived by using the latter.

    I knew today was going to be my day off, meaning I would have the entire house to myself for roughly seven uninterrupted hours.
    That is the ultimate danger zone for anyone fighting this addiction.


    Yes, I can probably hold the line for one or two hours alone… but seven hours is a different battlefield entirely, and I was not foolish enough to test my luck.

    So last night, I prepared a list of activities that would occupy my time, and most importantly:
    every single one of them had to be done outside the house.

    My Day 10 Strategy

    • Woke up
    • Went to the gym
    • Came home, showered
    • Left the house at the exact moment the last person left

    I went for a walk through the park . covering my 10,000 steps, which took about two hours.
    After that, I went to the library.

    The library is one of the safest places to be during a battle like this.
    You get the same academic focus you would have at home,

    but with zero distraction
    Why? Because you’re not alone.

    The irony


    It shouldn’t come as a shock that the desire to watch porn and masturbate would rarely ever arise in a public place, let alone be acted on.

    The library is the ultimate safe zone

    After the library, I walked through the high street, grabbed some lunch, browsed a few shops, and by that time most of the household was already back home.


    The danger window had closed.
    The environment was safe again.

    Reflection

    Today was another easy win, not because the urges were weak, but because I didn’t wait for the battle.
    I prepared for it, outmanoeuvred it, and removed all opportunity for failure.

    It is becoming increasingly clear me that in this type of fight

    Victory rarely ever comes from brute strength alone,
    it comes from strategy.

  • Day 9 – The Transformation Begins?

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    The State

    Even in the middle of the greatest war, some days arrive with a strange sense of peace.
    Today was one of those days.

    The urges were minimal – not because I’ve suddenly become stronger, but because the day was busy. My mind was occupied, and when your mind is occupied, the enemy has fewer openings.

    But the battlefield always finds you eventually.

    The Pressure

    The strongest spikes today came the moment I sat at my computer.

    For years, my computer was the temple of my addiction.
    This was where I fed the habit 99% of the time.

    This exact position, sitting down, hands on the keyboard, tied to lust.

    So even when I’m doing real work now, suddenly, I feel the urge to deviate

    Just take a small break. Ten minutes. One or two sites. Just to reset.

    A quick 10 minutes can’t hurt

    I have fallen for this trap many times before
    Even one image opens the door… and the mind immediately wants more.
    Always more.

    I’ve lost whole nights to that lie.

    Not today.

    The Response

    I didn’t slip, not because I’m suddenly invincible, but because I couldn’t.

    There are no files.
    No sites.
    No hidden folders.
    No access point.

    The nuclear barriers I installed did exactly what they were built to do:

    No door. No window. No crack to peek through.

    Airtight.
    Solid.
    Unforgiving.

    Exactly how they should be.

    The Replacement

    This leaves me with no choice but to simply continue with the work.

    And something unexpected is happening.

    A transformation.

    For years, my computer was the central hub of my addiction. I spent hours, sometimes days, locked into endless browsing through those mega-sites.

    But 9 days ago, that entire process halted.

    Since then my computer time is – writing this journal, studying, building, learning.

    And slowly, I can feel my body unlearning the old association:

    Computer time ≠ porn time.
    Computer time = work time.
    Purpose time.
    Creation time.

    It feels miraculous.

    The tool of my downfall is becoming the tool of my restoration.

    The same screen.
    The same setup.
    But a different man using it.

    Today was an easy win, but I would happily take any win that I can get.
    Tomorrow, the battle continues.

  • Week 1 – When The Spark Burns Out

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    Emotional Landscape

    Week one started strong, not because of discipline, but because of motivation.
    Motivation feels powerful. It makes you believe you can change everything overnight.
    But motivation is not fuel.
    It’s a spark.
    A beginning.
    A chemical high disguised as determination.

    Days 1 and 2, I was carried by excitement.
    By Day 3, that excitement vanished.

    And all that was left… was me.
    Me and the urges.

    The Battles

    It took three days for my mind to forget why I had even started.

    Three days.

    That’s all it took for my brain to start whispering:

    • “It’s only been a few days, just start again.”
    • “Just watch something small to take the edge off.”
    • “You can start again with fresh motivation.”

    These thoughts don’t shout.
    They negotiate.
    They sound reasonable, like they’re protecting you.

    I’ve fallen for them many times before.
    This is the loop that has broken me repeatedly.

    The Wins

    This time, something changed: I built physical distance.

    The barriers I put in place:

    • blocked sites
    • deleted files
    • removed access routes
    • stripped away old pathways

    That distance created a tiny gap
    just enough space for my conscious mind to catch up to the urge.

    That gap saved Day 3.
    And carried me all the way through to the end of week 1

    Not willpower.
    Not strength.

    Barriers.
    Structure.
    Strategy.

    The Pattern

    Week 1 taught me something brutal:

    Motivation dies fast.
    But urges do not.

    By Day 3, the high is gone and the real fight begins.
    This is the pattern:
    The mind starts rewriting the story to make relapse sound rational.

    The Growing Pains

    • restlessness
    • mental fog
    • random spikes of tension
    • boredom that hit harder than any sexual urge
    • a craving for stimulation, not sex
    • the familiar reward-loop itching for a hit

    This wasn’t lust.
    This was withdrawal from overstimulation.

    The body panics quietly when the dopamine drip stops.

    The Lesson of Week 1

    Week 1 revealed the truth:

    Motivation is nothing.
    Systems are everything.

    Without the barriers I set, I would’ve collapsed by Day 3 like every attempt before this one.

    This isn’t a journey of inspiration.
    It’s a war of structure vs instinct.

    Structure won Week 1.

    Next Week’s Mission

    Next week, my mission is simple:

    Replace the old stimulation with structured activity.
    No empty time.
    No drifting.

    Silence is where the urges grow.

    I need to fill that silence with purpose – not dopamine.

  • Day 8 – The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done

    SW Greenland Fjord and Mountain by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

    The State

    It’s not getting easier.
    The old reflexes are still there, still twitching under the skin,

    still seeking the comfort they were accustomed to.

    There’s no rest

    That part hasn’t died yet.

    The Pressure

    The urges hit hardest when I’m home alone.

    Zero supervision.
    Maximum privacy.

    That environment is a trigger by itself.

    The lust awakens
    You feel it before you even realise it’s happening.
    Priming itself for the satisfaction it has always known

    My conscious mind knows the mission:
    Resist.
    Overcome.
    Break the addiction.

    But knowledge means nothing in this moment

    You begin to feel like something else has taken over.
    A deeper system, older than logic, older than discipline.

    Reason becomes a whisper.
    The urge becomes a roar.

    Something primal inside tries to override everything I know.

    And today… the only thing that saved me wasn’t strength.
    It wasn’t willpower.

    It was something much simpler.

    The Response

    I didn’t slip today because of one thing:

    The physical barrier.

    Being home alone pulled the urges right to the surface.
    It was almost overwhelming

    But the doorway is gone.

    The physical access to the porn is no longer there.

    The files that used to be stored on my computer? Deleted.
    The websites I could access with muscle memory? Gone.
    The shortcuts and bookmarks? Gone.

    And that absence – that gap – created just enough time for me to pause.

    To breathe.
    To let my conscious mind catch up.

    With such physical barriers,

    Trying to access porn now would require more effort than simply doing something else…

    The Replacement

    ….and so I did something else:

    • 20 push-ups
    • A 2-minute cold shower
    • Then I started writing this journal

    And as I am writing this journal the urges still linger
    But they’ve stopped banging on the door.
    Now they lurk outside… silent, waiting, watching.

    I’ve survived another day.
    But the war wages on

    Tomorrow, the battle begins again.

  • Desexualise Your Mind

    Desexualise Your Mind

    The beginning

    Before you can master anything,
    you have to master yourself.

    And self-mastery starts with one thing:
    control over your urges.

    To learn to control your desires instead of them controlling you.

    As a man, there is no urge more dominant, more persistent, more deceptive…
    than lust.

    Not because you’re broken.
    Not because you’re some perverted freak

    But because evolution wired you this way.

    Evolution never cared about your comfort.
    It never cared about your peace.
    It only cared about one thing – reproduction.

    That’s it.

    Every single aspect of your being, 

    every single trait that you posses was preserved because it was instrumental in allowing you to achieve one thing

    SEX.

    That’s why you’re here.

    So when lust grips you, overwhelms you, and hijacks your mind,
    that’s not weakness.

    That’s biology.

    Millions of years of programming.

    My Story 

    I’m not unique.
    There is nothing special about my struggle.

    I grew up in a hyper-sexualised world.

    Movies

    Advertisements.
    Music videos.
    Social media.
    Pornography.

    What used to be a natural biological drive
    became an endless digital trap.

    I spent hours every day scrolling porn sites
    just to get a 30 seconds release.

    What a wasted time

    I often think about how much I could have achieved

    What I could’ve become.Where I might be right now.

    These thoughts would haunt me.

    But as another day comes, I am back on the internet again

    Stuck in The Loop

    Pleasure.
    Shame.
    Regret.
    Repeat.

    Over and over. For years.

    Some days it got so bad I genuinely thought:

    This is how I’ll die.
    Weak.
    Owned by this.

    And part of me wanted to accept that.

    To stop fighting.

    But no matter how low it got…
    no matter how hopeless it felt…

    There was always this constant feeling inside

    that wouldn’t let me accept this fate

    A quiet voice.

    Persistent. Uncomfortable. But alive.

    The Decision

    So here I am.

    Not writing this to inspire.
    Not writing this to perform.

    I’m writing this to document my war.

    90 days.
    No porn.
    No masturbation.

    It’s gonna be

    The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done

    But nothing worth doing is easy.

    The hardest tasks demand the greatest wills

    But will power alone will not be enough. I have been in this fight for too long to know this much

    This will be won by strategy, distance, structure.

    And understanding the triggers.
    Instead of fighting emotions blindly.

    This will be ugly.
    It will be uncomfortable.
    I will feel like denying myself

    But

    I will overcome